Sexual Monogamy (Episode 24)

What’s Wrong with Sexual Monogamy?

Photo by derekGavey

That’s a good question!

Monogamy, as we understand it today, is actually a recent development in our cultural approach to relationships and, quite frankly, it is problematic for many people. So why are we (society) still insistent on holding complete fidelity as the norm?

On Episode 18: What Is Love?, I spoke with Carrie Jenkins about the metaphysics of love. Towards the end of the conversation, we discussed some of the changes we would like to see to the social construction of love (remember, love is part biology and part social construct), in particular, we both expressed that we would like to see a broader acceptance of polyamorous relationships. My view is that people should be able to love whomever they wish. I also think that they should be able to fuck whomever they wish (since love and sex aren’t the same thing), as long as they do so ethically.

What will we be talking about?

In a word: sex. Here are some of the talking points:

• What do we mean by “sexual monogamy”?
• What does science say about sexual monogamy? (The “Is it natural?” question)
• There are some terms that you may not be familiar with – extradyadic sex, pair bonding, social versus sexual monogamy
• The challenges that come with monogamy (and why humans struggle, because we do indeed struggle)
• Ethical objections to non-monogamous relationships or arrangements
• Alternatives to sexually monogamous relationships (sexually open, swinging, polyamorous, etc.). We won’t be talking at any depth about any of these arrangements – getting deeply into these are another conversation(s) for another day(s).
• Whatever else comes up during the conversation

Join Nick Harding and me

On May 31st, 2017 at 7 pm ET, Nick Harding and I will be taking an interdisciplinary look at sexual monogamy, various forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and non-consensual non-monogamy.

If you join us during the live airing, you can register for a free account on Spreaker and use the chat function. I admit that I am not quite the multi-tasker, so I can’t actively participate, but I do try to keep an eye on things in case there is a question or comment that would be relevant to the conversation. If you can’t join in live, no worries. You can access the archive here, on Spreaker, or on any of the major podcast repositories.

Relevant Reading & Viewing:

Websites/Articles

There are a lot of sites and blogs that deal with the topic of consensual sexual nonmonogamy, but these will get you started:

• Nick Harding’s PhD Research
• “Is Jealousy a reason to pursue Sexual Monogamy?” (Nick Harding periscope video)
• 7 Forms of Non-monogamy (Dr Elisabeth A. Sheff writes a lot of great information about Polyamory)
• Susceptibility to Infidelity in the First Year of Marriage by David Buss and Todd Shackelford (1997) — there are some interesting statistics from previous studies into infidelity in this paper. The purpose of their research was to try to determine if there were characteristics that made someone susceptible to be unfaithful (and is worth a read)
• National Post article from Nov 2012: The demography of adultery
• YouTube video: Eric Anderson on Good Morning Britain on May 17, 2017

Books:

These are all available at other book retailers (and the library). I just used Amazon.ca because I happened to have the tab open already.

• The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People by David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton | Amazon.ca
• Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy by David P. Barash | Amazon.ca
• The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating by David M. Buss | Amazon.ca
• The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating by Eric Anderson | Amazon.ca
• Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray by Helen Fisher | Amazon.ca
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton | Amazon.ca
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino | Amazon.ca

People:

Again, there are a lot of people you can look up to read more about consensual sexual nonmonogamy, but here are some recommendations

• Dr Zhana Vrangalova – Twitter | Website | TEDx Talk
  • She also curates for the Casual Sex Project – Twitter | Website
• Dan Savage – Twitter | Savage Love Podcast
• Dr Jessica O’Reilly – Twitter | TEDx Talk on Monogamish

A little bit about:

Click on the images to see a brief bio and contact information for Nick Harding and Camille Beaujolie. 

Guest

Nick Harding

Nick Harding is a PhD candidate at the University of Southampton. The current title of his thesis is ‘What’s wrong with sexual monogamy?‘ Previously, he completed an MA (Res) in Ethics and Political Theory, and a BA in Psychology and Philosophy, both at the University of Reading.

He is motivated to solve problems, especially those that raise ethical and other philosophical questions. He believes he’s doing this in his PhD research, which looks at the science, philosophy, and ethics of sexual monogamy, consensual sexual nonmonogamy, and sexual infidelity. In the future, he would like to address other issues in applied ethics, especially those relating to sex.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/nickharding2710
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/nickharding2710
Academia: http://soton.academia.edu/NickHarding
Website: http://www.nickhardingphd.com/index.html

Related

Host, Stereo-Typed

Camille Beaujolie

Camille, or AuntieSocial, is the host of Stereo-Typed. She has been active in the local BDSM community since 2010. A more extensive profile is available on this website by clicking on the “AuntieSocial” tab in the top menu.

In case you missed it, I have a Patreon campaign set up to support this site and the associated show. If you enjoy the show, if you appreciate the work that goes into making this happen, please consider becoming a patron. Even a dollar a month will go a long way. Visit my Patreon page to see the various rewards that are available exclusively for my Sugar Daddy Collective.

Support Stereo-TypedVisit my Patreon Page

Related

FetLife:https://fetlife.com/users/815151

Also, a little bit more about the show/network:

Radio Show

Stereo-Typed

There is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding what we do, and who we are. Sometimes, these misconceptions give us a chuckle at our local dungeon, but sometimes, the broad-stroke generalisations may cause confusion or even alienation.

Our communities have a history. We have traditions. We have our own lexicon. Words have a meaning and sometimes, our words have special meaning within our culture. Not all kinksters are alike, and some of us may do things that others just don’t understand.

• Everyone who hears words like “Bondage”, “Discipline”, “Sadomasochism”, and other terms we use to describe what we do and who we are, approaches them with their own ideas of what those words mean (preconceptions).
• If you think back to when you were new, you may have had an idea of BDSM that came from fantasy or popular cultural references. You may have discovered that these ideas, or how others (even within the community) view your predilections aren’t an accurate representation of your experience. (misconceptions)
• If you have spent any time reading the stories and journal entries or looking at the pictures on FetLife, you may have picked up on some sweeping generalisations of how certain roles are supposed to behave (generalisations).
• You have probably heard about the correct way or the old way. You will see laments about “the scene these days“. While some of that may be true, does it automatically follow that their experience is the only way? (one-true-wayisms)
• You have probably noticed that some words are interchangeable … but, are they really? (conflated language).

And, what about those vanillas? What do they think of us, of what we do? Are they really as prudish and judgemental as they are portrayed in the annals of FetLife? These questions are also generalisations, in themselves, because we can’t take a broad-stroke approach to any group of people without the creation, or perpetuation, of a stereotype.

Join me, AuntieSocial, and my occasional guests, as we try to unravel some of the myths in our lifestyle. Think of this as the Kinky Myth Busters … except I don’t get to blow shit up.

Related

Network

TPOK Radio

What began in 2012 as an interview podcast, documenting the personal journeys of kinky people, has grown into a network of podcasts and radio shows. With the goal of someday providing a 24/7 stream of kink-related content, TPOK Radio provides hours of entertaining and educational shows for your listening pleasure.

Each of the shows is archived on Spreaker, as well as various podcast repositories (including iTunes).

The current line-up consists of:

• TPOK Live (Sundays at 7 pm eastern)
• The 3rd Rail (Sundays at 8 pm eastern)
• Brooklyn’s Journey (podcast) Recorded episodes every other Monday
• The Rainbow Connection (currently on hiatus)
• Kink Geek (podcast with one live show a month on Tuesdays at 8 pm)
• Stereo-Typed (Every other Wednesday at 7 pm)

Related

Listen to the archive now:

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Like what you see or hear? Please consider joining my Sugar Daddy Collective and help me bring more interesting topics your way on a weekly basis. 

Support Stereo-TypedVisit my Patreon Page