Finding Appropriate-for-You Mental Health Care

Finding Appropriate-for-You Mental Health Care

Sometimes, it is necessary to reach out for professional help.  If you find yourself in crisis, please seek out someone who can provide the mental health care you require.


mental health

Guest Contribution by Dr Laura Coleman (re-posted with permission.)

This article has been re-written for the kinky listeners of @AuntieSocial’s radio show, Stereo-Typed on September 7 at 7PM EST. You are welcome to read it too. It was previously published in the “Many Voices” December 1997 issue under my prior married name. I printed this up and gave it to every client before their first session.

Clara’s story

Clara was upset. She’d been seeing the same therapist for three years and didn’t feel like she was getting any better. Furthermore, she didn’t feel respected or as if her counselor believed in her.

She was certain he believed her kink was the source of her problems. He continuously questioned her about her sexual habits in a way that made her uncomfortable. And every time she brought up any problem he somehow related that problem back to BDSM. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was obsessed with kink.

Clara suspected he had decided that she was really disgusting or at worst incurable. She thought he wasn’t listening to her, and occasionally suspected her doctor of falling asleep when she was talking. Clara felt wrong, bewildered, and misunderstood.

She began to get angry at spending all the money. Worst of all, the therapist had begun to give her advice, insisting she follow it. He wanted her to stop going to the dungeon. He insisted she cease all BDSM activities. She felt blamed and judged when she reported that his advice didn’t work.

Clara joined a self-help group to deal with her addictions even though her counselor recommended against it. She simply couldn’t understand his point of view on this. After she had actively participated in her self-help group for a while, she began to question the quality of the psychological services she had been receiving. Clara decided to stop going to that counselor after a conversation with some people she trusted in her group.

Fitting the pieces together

Finding the help you need is similar to putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together. Whether your need is for yourself, your children, spouse, or entire family, your task is to find the therapist who can best help you. While there is excellent therapy available, there is also poor and abusive therapy. There is kink friendly therapy. And there is kink unfriendly therapy.

Sometimes, people simply go to the wrong therapist for their personality and needs. In these cases, the puzzle pieces never fit together.

The mental health care you need is available

You can get the help you need! One of the most devastating aspects of mental and emotional difficulties is when people begin to feel hopeless. What happens to many people is that they develop a lot of psychological pain and begin to feel different from other people. Sometimes they have had unsuccessful counseling experiences, and even believe that mental health is something they cannot have. Most seriously, you might have lost your vision of yourself as a functioning and contented human being. Don’t give up! Continue to search for the therapist who matches your needs and personality.

One major factor in successful therapy is the relationship that develops between you and your psychotherapist. What you can expect from effective therapy continues our comparison to a puzzle with many pieces. These puzzle pieces are described below.

• RESPECT FOR YOUR LIFESTYLE: to feel accepted and respected for who and how you are in the world.
• IMPROVEMENT: to increase your coping ability in your day-to-day life.
• OPEN COMMUNICATION: to learn to communicate your full range of emotions.
• LISTENING ACTIVELY: to be heard and understood.
• BELIEVE IN YOU: that your doctor believes you can get the help you seek.
• PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY: to reveal your true self without being criticized.
• ENCOURAGING YOU: to get support and encouragement to try new behaviors.
• SHARING THE POWER: to have control over what you say and do in therapy.
• LIMITS: to know that your boundaries will not be violated.
• BOUNDARIES: to be aware of who is deciding what help you receive and why.

Actions for increased mental health success

There are some actions you can take to increase the success of your therapy and continue filling in the pieces of the puzzle.

• Check with the NCSF listing of Kink Aware Therapists in your area.
• Choose someone you like, admire, and feel comfortable with.
• Ask your friends or relatives for the name of a therapist they trust.
• Call and interview the therapist on the telephone.
• Make sure to ask if they are kink friendly.
• Take your time to develop trust.
• Set goals for yourself.
• Check to see if you are meeting your goals in therapy.
• Let your counselor know when you are not getting what you need.
• Trust your gut instincts more than the counselor’s authority.
• Get a second opinion if you think you need it.
• Be open to change.
• Terminate therapy when you are ready.
• Ask any questions you need to ask.

Ask questions about the therapist and their approach to therapy

You can tell a lot about the counselor by how they respond to your questions, comments, feelings and requests. A checklist of questions you may want to ask is listed below. You are entitled to ask any of these questions. If you don’t understand the answers, ask again.


• What is your educational background?
• Are you licensed?
• Board Certified?
• What experiences have you had with my type of problem?


• What is your speciality?
• How does it work?
• Are there any possible risks involved?
• About how long will it take?
• What should I do if I feel therapy isn’t working?


• How do you feel about a variety of expressions of sexuality?
• Do you think being kinky is a mental illness?
• What is your knowledge or professional experience with different expressions of sexuality?
• Do you believe in sex positivity?
• Can you effectively work with someone with my fetishes?


• Do you work with people who go to support groups?
• Do you refer people to support groups?
• How does this work with your type of therapy?


• How do I schedule appointments?
• How long are sessions?
• Can I reach you in an emergency?
• If you are not available, who is there I can talk to?


• What kind of records do you keep?
• Who gets to see your records?
• Do you tell people what we talk about?
• How do you handle information when you work with children?
• How do you handle information when you work with couples or families?


• Who decides the kind of therapy I will receive from you?
• How do you decide what kind of therapy to use?


• What is your fee?
• How do I need to pay?
• Do you bill clients?
• How do you handle cancellations?
• Do I need to pay for telephone calls or letters?

Remember, you can find the help you need. Don’t give up. Just keep looking until you find the right person for you.

This resource is re-posted with permission of the author.  You can find the original posting on (FetLife).

Guest Author Bio:


Laura Coleman

Dr Laura Coleman is retired from private practice as a Marriage, Family and Child Therapist, Board Certified Counsellor and Certified Clinical Mental Health Counsellor. She now works in her secure online office as a Life Coach, Life Skills Educator and Certified Hypnotist. As a therapist, she specialized in the therapeutic treatment of adults and children who experienced abuse and/or traumatic life events. She developed an out-patient treatment program for adults who were abused as children and successfully ran this program for many years.

After retirement, Dr Coleman has become a prolific writer on topics such as trauma recovery, BDSM safety, protecting yourself from predators, personal growth, self-esteem, changing your personal patterns, and improving your relationships. You can find her writings on FetLife as well as on her website. She has presented at her local dungeon, The Mark, on topics such as identifying predators and learning to say “no”. As an educator, she led many discussions for The Mark’s Kinky Roundtable and presented at a local MAsT group meeting.

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