You want me to what?! Are you cuckoo??
Cuckoldry. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word?
Do you think of a husband who can’t satisfy his wife so she cheats on him? Or, maybe you think of some poor schmuck who has been duped into raising another man’s children, perhaps without his knowledge. Did your thoughts go to the woman involved? With words like “whore” or “slut”? Either way, there is a great possibility that you thought of a man whose wife has stepped out on him; that cheating, lying, whore! (Unless your first thought was a political slur …)
I recently spoke with Nick Harding (Episode 24: What’s wrong with sexual monogamy?) about the problems and challenges of sexual monogamy. While the expectation of sexual monogamy is a relatively new arrival in human relationships, it has become the predominant narrative with those who do not adhere to the idea of choosing one partner for life being labelled a variety of shame-inducing slurs.
Yet, even with the recent prevalence of sexual monogamy doesn’t have a long history, the pejorative terms cuckold, wittol, and cabrón have been in use for centuries. For example, cuckold dates back to the twelfth or thirteenth century. According to Oxford Dictionary, the first known use was in the poem, The Owl and The Nightingale.
There are many forms of consensually nonmonogamous arrangements. Polyamory, swinging, “Friends with Benefits”. The list is quite long. Consensual Cuckoldry, sometimes called Hotwifing, is one of many and it is the subject of this week’s Stereo-Typed episode.
What is Cuckoldry?
Historically, a cuckold was a man whose wife had been having an affair. And yes, it was quite possible that it was also a man who was raising children who are not genetically his. Generally speaking, calling a man a cuck was to insult his manhood.
That was then, this is now
While those old impressions are still prevalent, many people are participating in cuckolding consensually. I call this Consensual Cuckoldry. Others use the word Contemporary.
Whatever you call it, it is an arrangement where one spouse sleeps with others (extradyadic sex) and the cuckolded partner experiences some sort of sexual enjoyment from the knowledge that their spouse (or partner) is fucking around.
There are many different ways that this can play out in reality. In some situations, the cuckolded partner is present when the encounters occur. In others, they are merely aware of the extradyadic coupling. Sometimes, in some Dominant/submissive relationships, there may also be a service component, where the cuck is pressed into servicing their Dominant partner and the lover. Humiliation or degradation of the cuckolded partner might factor into some relationships. As with most things sexual, no set formula exists. When you are operating in areas of taboo, activities that are outside of the norms of society, there are no norms.
Consensual is as consensual does
You may have noticed that I prepended the word “consensual” to the term. I have done so to highlight that this arrangement between husbands and wives is something that they have agreed upon. What we will be discussing is not “cheating”. It is not infidelity since there is an awareness and often active encouragement from the cuckolded partner. According to Dr David Ley’s interviews with couples who engage in Cuckoldry/Hotwifing, it has usually been the husband, or cuckold, who has raised the possibility and encouraged his wife to pursue extradyadic sex.
Insatiable Wives; Women who stray and the men who love them
“Hotwife” is not yet an everyday household term, even though many a young husband thinks his wife is hot enough for him. The surprise is to find that there is a whole world on the Internet where the term is used in a very specific way. David Ley stumbled across the term during research on couples when two couples talked about how the husband helped and encouraged his wife to have many lovers. This is more than swinging, where couples share sex in social settings with other couples on a more or less equal basis. “This sexual practice, a form of sexual nonmonogamy, is distinguished from swinging and polyamory in that the husband rarely seeks sexual contact outside the marriage except for participation in group sex with his wife and other men, while the wife is permitted and often encouraged to pursue unrestrained sexual encounters with other men.” (Dust Jacket)
Cucks come in all genders and orientations
While Dr Ley’s book looks at cuckoldry from the perspective of male cucks and female hotwives, it should be noted that these arrangements also happen in reverse. However, in the case of a female cuck, the term cuckquean is used and the husband is referred to as a Queanbull. In the cuckoldry subculture, the extradyadic partner is called a Bull (cuck/hotwife) or Mare (cuckquean/queanbull).
While I don’t have personal experience with non-hetero cucking, I do know that it does happen in gay, lesbian and bisexual circles. Again, there are no norms and any variation can happen. The key component of Contemporary Cuckoldry is that one spouse is stepping out of the traditional monogamous relationship and the other gets sexual enjoyment from knowing about (or watching, listening, serving) the extradyadic coupling.
Camille’s experiences and desires to be a cuckquean
I recently posted a blog entry about my experiences/desires to be a cuckquean (as well as my preference for listening). I had written this back in 2015 to explain my interest in cuckoldry and some of the challenges that come from being married to an asexual being. It is difficult to encourage your spouse to fuck other women (or men) when he has no interest in having sex. At the end of my report, I talked about the impact Dr Ley’s book had on my life and how it empowered me to live with sexual authenticity.
Prevalence of Cuckoldry in Mainstream Media
Consensual Cuckoldry doesn’t get as much mainstream attention as other forms of nonmonogamy, such as polyamory and swinging. There are very few hits on Google Scholar and Academia.edu. Most of the hits deal with anthropology and most often the sexual behaviours of birds. Doing a Google News search brought up more hits, but these frequently treated the word (and behaviour) in the shame-inducing historical sense … a cuckold or wittol or cabrón is someone to be pitied.
The perceived insult goes beyond the sexual: Political use of cuck
After nearly a decade since Dr Ley published Insatiable Wives, the public narrative is still predominantly negative. Political insults such as Libcuck and Cuckservative, as well as commentary stating that the American people are being cuckolded by the Trump Administration (basically, the commentators are stating that the US population is being nonconsensually fucked over by the government), are evidence of this.
Cucking is more popular than the slurs would indicate
Despite the negative connotations associated with the term cuck, there are many couples who engage enthusiastically in this sort of nonmonogamy. Variants of the word “cuckold” are in the top 100 search terms on PornHub. Every month, there are 1.75 million searches on the pornography site for videos of men being cuckolded by their wives. In 2016, searches for cuck-related pornography 1)source PornHub Insights increased by 94% in the UK.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017 – Stereo-Typed with guest Dr David Ley
David Ley will be joining me on Wednesday, June 21, 2017, to discuss Cuckoldry, his book Insatiable Wives (as well as his subsequent books on porn addiction and ethical porn usage) and his YouTube series #NoMoreSexShame. Feel free to join us for the live broadcast on Spreaker at 7 pm ET, or you can listen to the archive on many of the major podcast repositories.
David Ley, PhD – on the web
- Dr David Ley on Twitter
- Dr Ley’s Books on Amazon.com
- David J. Ley on Wikipedia
- Psychology Today blog: Women who stray
- #NoMoreSexShame – YouTube series in which Dr Ley interviews people about ways that sexual shame has caused problems in their lives, problems that the sexual behaviours themselves did not cause.
Writings by Dr Ley about cuckoldry:
- Why would you do that? (Watch your wife with another man) (Psychology Today post)
- Kinky Cuckolding Fetish Goes Mainstream (Psychology Today post)
For your listening pleasure:
- Episode 24: What’s wrong with Sexual Monogamy (My discussion with Nick Harding on why people have extradyadic sex)
- The Pageist #32 – Paige’s review of Ethical Porn For Dicks (by David Ley)
- The Pageist #33 – Paige’s interview with David Ley
Some articles about cuckoldry:
- Life, the universe, and etymology: Cuckold – The Daily of The University of Washington
- Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Being A Cuckold (And More) – Your Tango
- Take my wife, Please! All about cuckolding – PornHub Insights
- Inside the World of Cuckolding – The Independent
- The Super Kinky Sex Act Your Man Is Scared To Tell You He’s Into – Your Tango
- Sleep with my Wife – The Sun (David Ley is quoted in this article)
Sugar Daddy Collective and AltSex NYC
I had the pleasure of meeting Dr Ley when I attended the AltSex NYC Conference in April. I knew I needed to meet him and invite him to be a guest on the show when I saw that he was a scheduled speaker. After all, I have all three of his books (I picked up an autographed copy of his latest, Ethical Porn For Dicks, at the conference). But … what should we speak about? His conference presentation was on bisexuality. Additionally, he is well-known for his work on pornography (and against the “porn addiction model”). I had forgotten about his first book at the time. Since his book did impact my life, and I do consider myself a cuckquean, it made sense to ask him to revisit his earlier work (plus, The Pageist recently did a couple of episodes about Dr Ley’s Ethical Porn For Dicks).
I want to thank my Sugar Daddy Collective for their support. I attended this conference in New York City because of your continued patronage. Thank you!!
About David Ley and AuntieSocial
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|1.||↑||source PornHub Insights|